Promises

We sat by that window, in the warm summer breeze,

You falling asleep, me with a pillow on my knees,

You told me how she broke your heart,

and how you didn’t want that to happen again

Deep in me I made a promise that warm summers night,

That I would always protect you,

Even when it hurt,

I would not be the one who would cause your heart to break.

Time has continue on since then,

We have both gotten older you see,

Our preferences are changing,

Still we have feelings for each other that we cant seem to shake..

Do we even want to get rid of them.

Sometimes you can be so selfish, demanding that everything be about you.

But I’m not really one to complain,

You see, I do the same.

Sometimes you make a point, but I fail to see,

Just truly what you want me to notice.

We drain each other emotionally, demanding from each other that we give this our all.

Meanwhile, our secret sins eat us alive,

We try to bury them deeper.

Distance and time seem to always get in our way,

Maybe with a touch of our own ambition,

See, living so far from you is not what I wanted,

But I had to proceed, and think only of me.

Looking for a Hero

Look at this suffering

It has brought this nation to its knees

We cry out

Not sure who will answer us

Waiting still, our hopes disappear

As our bodies become bruised and broken

Looking for a way out

All we find is the fires of our doom

All our lies are broken and seen through

We crumble at your feet

Will you be our hero?

Or just another fake?

My hope is wearing thin

Im not sure how much longer I can carry this burden

I tried you see, to fight, to see you

But now all I can hope for is a hero

To turn this life around

Failing

Sometimes failing is easier than trying. Same as falling is to climbing. But sometimes it is worth more to keep trying. You see, when we fail we lose sight of hope. And when hope ceases to exist so does all meaning of life.

Yet we are creatures of habit, so we fail time and time again, never realizing our faults. We curse the higher power and blame it for this failure of a life we live. We know change is needed but deep down we realize it is almost impossible. Same as fire is during a wind storm.  This fire, it seems was meant to burn out, its small flickering light to be but a memory. Faded and cracked we look upon our past, only seeing broken hearts and shattered dreams. The good is there, I promise you that. It is mixed in with the bad, how easy it is to overlook it.

We reached out to each other once, trying to hold ourselves together, in the process we some how fell apart. I tried to hold you but when you looked in my eyes all I saw was failure. This shocked me to the core. Have I always been like this to you? We always said forever, but forever is cut short when we lose sight of hope and maybe even love.

It’s never been easy, but we never thought it would be. I sometimes wish the past would reveal all its dark secrets for just a couple of moments of peace and freedom. Those two things I have not heard of nor felt in a long time. Yet everyone seems to strive for them. Demanding their presence. They refuse to show.

Yet, you saw me. In my true form, you never let me lose sight of hope. Just when I trusted you and gave you my hope and dreams, you pulled them away from me. How selfish of you. I needed you but you refused to share. Now I stand here all alone, just I and my failure to keep me company. You see I gave up once you left. I never saw the point of trying after that.

But that was along time again. I get stronger with each day, and with each day you become a little less real to me. One day I figure I will not even remember you. I wish I could say that this though makes me sad but you see, after what you put my heart through, I figure it is the least I can do. That fire that burnt out during a wind storm is trying to rekindle it self. It will happen, maybe not for a while, but one day it could be strong enough to burn down a forest. Its failure just being a small part of its past..

Don't Grow Up

 We grow up fast; we forget what it is like to be a child. For a child has a favorite colour, animal, and friend. But we grow; ready to throw those things behind us. Only wanting to be grown up faster. How sad. We forget the beauty in the world, like the first snow fall of winter, or the morning sun.  Instead, we trade that to rush to work and than rush home, so the next day we can start it all over again, just to make a few dollars. With those few dollars we make our kingdom bigger and better, begging the world to notice how great we have become.

When I was child it was so easy to find God. I found him everywhere and in everything. Now all I seem to be able to find is rules and religion. I still look for this

God of my youth, but deep down I know that I will never find him again. For my days of believe in anything so easily are gone.   I miss the days of boredom on a warm summer’s day, when school was a distant thought and my life amounted to no more than catching the next butterfly or climbing the tallest tree. Being a child, you see the world through pure eyes. Not seeing the terror or evil that exists in the world. Only see just beyond your front porch. Where friends are easily made and a great adventure is always just about to begin.

As adults, we teach children right from wrong, demanding that we they see the world though our eyes. Telling them it will get them farther in the world. Maybe this is true, I am not certain of that yet. What if we were to look through a child eyes again, seeing only what they see. What would we find? The desperate urge to be old and mature? Or maybe just the gentle longing to read a book, a book that I use to love in my youth. But I have since out grown it. As will most children. I beg you child, don’t grow up. Hold on to this moment in your life, where the world is soft and pretty. Hold on to your fairy tales and puppet plays. Hold on to your favorite books and colours. Hold on.  For this world had enough adults trying to make a few bucks. But we lose the dreamers and wonders when they grow up. So with my last thought on this page and with this final breath of air that I breathe in, I beg you, dear child, don’t be too eager to see the world through adult eyes. For your eyes will make this world an adventure to live in everyday. Don’t grow up.

Change

We all want to be something else. We twist and bend ourselves until we feel that we have somehow changed. God made it so that the caterpillar can turn into the beautiful butterfly. But you and I will never achieve our brightly colored wings. For just at the moment when we feel we have changed enough, we want to be something else.

I always wanted to be that person who could climb to the top of a mountain and find wisdom and peace, but my downfall you see, is that gravity keeps pulling me down. It pulls and pulls and pulls, until one day I will be six feet under and no longer caring about wisdom nor peace. 

I once tried to be like a flower. I stood in the sun and rain for hours. Begging God to be seen and yet still ignored.  At the end of it was still me, just waiting for my fall. For I will fall, out grace, out of sight, out of love. Somehow it always works that way. I will try to change my ways but it will achieve nothing, for at the end of it I will still be me.

Could you imagine, looking at the stars, so brightly, every night. Wishing for this life to get better, while your world crumbles down around you. I’ve been there, my friend, I want to say it can get better, but to do that would be to lie to you. And I can tell you have had enough people do that to you. You don’t want the truth, but you don’t want me to lie. I can only give you one or the other, the choice is yours, it always has been.

 I’ve only just met you at this cross road, but you will have to keep walking on this road, with or without me.  For your path is your own. You can try to change it, but maybe that change is all in the master’s plan.

Letting Go

Today i found out why my brother and his ex- girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up.  My brother did something to here that i didn't imagine him capable of. now, don't get me wrong, it was nothing to crazy bad. but if my boyfriend did it to me, i would never go back to him. It made me sad to hear that my own brother could treat this girl like that. We all loved his girlfriend! the even crazier thing is that she still loves him and would like to be with him someday again, maybe work through everything.. (she is clearly a bigger person than me) so my question, how do we let go of the ones we love?

Tough Times

You're losing me,
This game we started out playing,
so fun and innocently,
is now breaking me.
You use to care,
about my thoughts, feeling and ideas,
now i seem to take a back seat in your life
What happenned?
Where did we go wrong,
or is it just I?
i want to make this work
but with each passing minute, hour, day
i am losing hope in you.
i wonder if you feel the same way?
its not suppose to be like this.
You were suppose to be the one for me.
now it seems like that was a lie too.
im not trying to crush your dreams,
i am just trying to state my concerns,
but you will hear none of it.
There was a day
when you use to get excited to see me,
when you would whoo me
go out of your way for me
when did you become so selfish?
Did i ask to much of you?
or not enough?
I want to leave, move on,
but memories hold me here
and something else
which i cannot name.
please just listen one more time.
Try to hear me out.
i dont want to sound clingly or selfish,
but this is what you have brought me to.
We knew that this would be hard,
but you gave up trying
leaving me to carry the load.
its to heavy now
i am being crushed by the burden of it.
i cry out to you,
hoping you will hear
and maybe feel something for me
but your back is to me
and you attention is else where.
Who knows, maybe this is God's plan
do you still talk to him?
i do
all the time, begging and pleading with him
maybe his attention is else where too.
i know i am not the prettiest or smartest,
but that never seemed to bug you before.
my emotions are everywhere,
i am so mad at you for letting it come to this,
I am so sad that it feels over
and i am praying that i am wrong
that this is all in my head.
I love you
I must have said it to you at least a thousand times
but now i have trouble saying it.
do i still love you?
Yes, of course i do,
a part of me will always love.
i just wish you could do the same for me.
i don't know if you will ever read this
part of me wants you to,
just so you will finally know how i feel,
part of me hopes you wont have to,
that our relationship will grow strong again.
in the end there is not much more i can say.
i love you

Birthdays

Hello All,
Birthdays are a funny thing. I just celebrated my 21st birthday this weekend. It was a good time. But what makes them so funny is the fact that when we are young we look forward to our birthdays. We can't wait for them. we want presents and cake and the attention that comes with a birthday, but as we grow older we soon dread our birthdays. This year was the first year that i was not really excited for my birthday. i worked all day on my birthday. I only really got together with some of my family for supper. oh well..
Elisa

Here You Go Heart of Mine

Here you go heart of mine. Didn’t I warn you that life was cruel, that you would be broken down and beaten? That you would be left with big ugly scars? Though the physical pain my cease, some how you would always feel the emotional pain? My dearest heart, I wish there was a way that I could make this better for us. I wish we could go back and change what happened. But you know as well as I do, that I can’t do that. He may have ignored you, but somehow I never could. I want to tell you that everything will be ok, that one day you will not remember this day. One day you will no longer feel lonely. But my heart, these are guarantees that I cannot make. For the world has hurt you, and I don’t want to hurt you further by making promises that I cannot keep. I hope you can one day forgive me for the pain I put you through. How I made you how you are now, scars and all. What more can I say? I’m sorry seems like the right thing but some how not enough. But I guess this what I have to leave it at, I’m sorry my heart. We will grow and heal and move on one day. Please don’t give up on me yet…

Here you go heart of mine. I will put you up on the shelf where the world and all it has to offers can no longer bug you. You will never have to fight for your way again, because dear heart, you will grow old and dusty up there on that lonely shelf. You will be forgotten.  You will no longer hurt me. You will no longer break, for you will no longer feel. It might be tough at first but you will grow use to it after a while. Dear heart, please know that I am not putting you on the shelf for anything you have done to me, no, rather my precious heart I am putting you there to protect you, so we will no longer hurt through life. I will remain focused on the important things in my life, school that will eventually lead to work. Therefore, heart, I put it bluntly… I think it is best if we part ways now, and never look back. I hope you will not sit on that shelf everyday and night and think about the ‘what if ‘s’ and the ‘if it could have been’. For heart, we both know that we are better off with out each other.  I’m sorry, but this is for the best. I hope…

My Sun

So many faces everywhere, yet nobody seems to really care,

You saw me, as I ran from you,

But running has never been so good for me.

You see somehow I ran right into your arms.

That space which is so safe and warm

I’m not sure why, but you always take me back.

Funny how that is.

I fell for you once, and than twice, and now I do it almost daily.

The thought of losing you is so great, tears flow to my eyes.

You see, you have become my sun, with you I grow and bloom

Without you I wither and lose my way.

People always say that I could find another like you,

But when they say that I know that they don’t know you.

Hello

Hello all,

How does one start a blog? i guess by telling what this will all be about and maybe a bit about me. This blog will just serve as a way to get my thoughts on paper (or in this case to get them on the computer). So i guess that means i will talk about my day, thoughts, observation and anything else i find interesting enough to talk about. about me.. My name is Elisabeth, but i usually go by Elisa. (it is like Lisa with a hard E (like the e in E-mail)) I am usually quiet, maybe that is the reason to why i am starting this blog.. but if i need to make a point I'm not scared to make it. I just moved out of parents house for the first time. I am in my early 20's. so needless to say they were kinda excited to see me move. I am waiting to get a room mate and i am praying that whoever i get will become a good friend and not a headache.  I am an registered social service worker who can't find a job that offers enough hours or that does not pay enough. Due to this, i am going back to school in September to get my Bachelour of arts in Psychology. So far, everyone that i have talked to has said that this is an extremely hard class and that the exams are purposely made to fail the students. (who does that??)  other than that, i love music, it usually is the thing that gets me through my day. I play a little guitar and ukulele. i wish i was more musically talented but i guess that is not my call. I love to read. Books are kinda my escape, they allow me to have an adventure without leaving the room. I am a Christian, sometimes i am not entirely sure how true that is. I believe there is a God, and that he died and rose again to save me. but sometimes i feel that this God that everyone talks about is a fake. I am trying to find a God that is really real to me. Not this God of Religion and Rules. But that is for different blog. I have a wonderful boyfriend! he makes me smile alot. i am so lucky to have a guy like him in my life. he can sometimes be the glue that holds my life together. That being said, i am an easy going person. I don't anger that easily. I try to choose my battles. anyways, that is me in a nut shell.
Simply Elisa