Don't Grow Up

 We grow up fast; we forget what it is like to be a child. For a child has a favorite colour, animal, and friend. But we grow; ready to throw those things behind us. Only wanting to be grown up faster. How sad. We forget the beauty in the world, like the first snow fall of winter, or the morning sun.  Instead, we trade that to rush to work and than rush home, so the next day we can start it all over again, just to make a few dollars. With those few dollars we make our kingdom bigger and better, begging the world to notice how great we have become.

When I was child it was so easy to find God. I found him everywhere and in everything. Now all I seem to be able to find is rules and religion. I still look for this

God of my youth, but deep down I know that I will never find him again. For my days of believe in anything so easily are gone.   I miss the days of boredom on a warm summer’s day, when school was a distant thought and my life amounted to no more than catching the next butterfly or climbing the tallest tree. Being a child, you see the world through pure eyes. Not seeing the terror or evil that exists in the world. Only see just beyond your front porch. Where friends are easily made and a great adventure is always just about to begin.

As adults, we teach children right from wrong, demanding that we they see the world though our eyes. Telling them it will get them farther in the world. Maybe this is true, I am not certain of that yet. What if we were to look through a child eyes again, seeing only what they see. What would we find? The desperate urge to be old and mature? Or maybe just the gentle longing to read a book, a book that I use to love in my youth. But I have since out grown it. As will most children. I beg you child, don’t grow up. Hold on to this moment in your life, where the world is soft and pretty. Hold on to your fairy tales and puppet plays. Hold on to your favorite books and colours. Hold on.  For this world had enough adults trying to make a few bucks. But we lose the dreamers and wonders when they grow up. So with my last thought on this page and with this final breath of air that I breathe in, I beg you, dear child, don’t be too eager to see the world through adult eyes. For your eyes will make this world an adventure to live in everyday. Don’t grow up.

Change

We all want to be something else. We twist and bend ourselves until we feel that we have somehow changed. God made it so that the caterpillar can turn into the beautiful butterfly. But you and I will never achieve our brightly colored wings. For just at the moment when we feel we have changed enough, we want to be something else.

I always wanted to be that person who could climb to the top of a mountain and find wisdom and peace, but my downfall you see, is that gravity keeps pulling me down. It pulls and pulls and pulls, until one day I will be six feet under and no longer caring about wisdom nor peace. 

I once tried to be like a flower. I stood in the sun and rain for hours. Begging God to be seen and yet still ignored.  At the end of it was still me, just waiting for my fall. For I will fall, out grace, out of sight, out of love. Somehow it always works that way. I will try to change my ways but it will achieve nothing, for at the end of it I will still be me.

Could you imagine, looking at the stars, so brightly, every night. Wishing for this life to get better, while your world crumbles down around you. I’ve been there, my friend, I want to say it can get better, but to do that would be to lie to you. And I can tell you have had enough people do that to you. You don’t want the truth, but you don’t want me to lie. I can only give you one or the other, the choice is yours, it always has been.

 I’ve only just met you at this cross road, but you will have to keep walking on this road, with or without me.  For your path is your own. You can try to change it, but maybe that change is all in the master’s plan.

Letting Go

Today i found out why my brother and his ex- girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up.  My brother did something to here that i didn't imagine him capable of. now, don't get me wrong, it was nothing to crazy bad. but if my boyfriend did it to me, i would never go back to him. It made me sad to hear that my own brother could treat this girl like that. We all loved his girlfriend! the even crazier thing is that she still loves him and would like to be with him someday again, maybe work through everything.. (she is clearly a bigger person than me) so my question, how do we let go of the ones we love?

Tough Times

You're losing me,
This game we started out playing,
so fun and innocently,
is now breaking me.
You use to care,
about my thoughts, feeling and ideas,
now i seem to take a back seat in your life
What happenned?
Where did we go wrong,
or is it just I?
i want to make this work
but with each passing minute, hour, day
i am losing hope in you.
i wonder if you feel the same way?
its not suppose to be like this.
You were suppose to be the one for me.
now it seems like that was a lie too.
im not trying to crush your dreams,
i am just trying to state my concerns,
but you will hear none of it.
There was a day
when you use to get excited to see me,
when you would whoo me
go out of your way for me
when did you become so selfish?
Did i ask to much of you?
or not enough?
I want to leave, move on,
but memories hold me here
and something else
which i cannot name.
please just listen one more time.
Try to hear me out.
i dont want to sound clingly or selfish,
but this is what you have brought me to.
We knew that this would be hard,
but you gave up trying
leaving me to carry the load.
its to heavy now
i am being crushed by the burden of it.
i cry out to you,
hoping you will hear
and maybe feel something for me
but your back is to me
and you attention is else where.
Who knows, maybe this is God's plan
do you still talk to him?
i do
all the time, begging and pleading with him
maybe his attention is else where too.
i know i am not the prettiest or smartest,
but that never seemed to bug you before.
my emotions are everywhere,
i am so mad at you for letting it come to this,
I am so sad that it feels over
and i am praying that i am wrong
that this is all in my head.
I love you
I must have said it to you at least a thousand times
but now i have trouble saying it.
do i still love you?
Yes, of course i do,
a part of me will always love.
i just wish you could do the same for me.
i don't know if you will ever read this
part of me wants you to,
just so you will finally know how i feel,
part of me hopes you wont have to,
that our relationship will grow strong again.
in the end there is not much more i can say.
i love you

Birthdays

Hello All,
Birthdays are a funny thing. I just celebrated my 21st birthday this weekend. It was a good time. But what makes them so funny is the fact that when we are young we look forward to our birthdays. We can't wait for them. we want presents and cake and the attention that comes with a birthday, but as we grow older we soon dread our birthdays. This year was the first year that i was not really excited for my birthday. i worked all day on my birthday. I only really got together with some of my family for supper. oh well..
Elisa

Here You Go Heart of Mine

Here you go heart of mine. Didn’t I warn you that life was cruel, that you would be broken down and beaten? That you would be left with big ugly scars? Though the physical pain my cease, some how you would always feel the emotional pain? My dearest heart, I wish there was a way that I could make this better for us. I wish we could go back and change what happened. But you know as well as I do, that I can’t do that. He may have ignored you, but somehow I never could. I want to tell you that everything will be ok, that one day you will not remember this day. One day you will no longer feel lonely. But my heart, these are guarantees that I cannot make. For the world has hurt you, and I don’t want to hurt you further by making promises that I cannot keep. I hope you can one day forgive me for the pain I put you through. How I made you how you are now, scars and all. What more can I say? I’m sorry seems like the right thing but some how not enough. But I guess this what I have to leave it at, I’m sorry my heart. We will grow and heal and move on one day. Please don’t give up on me yet…

Here you go heart of mine. I will put you up on the shelf where the world and all it has to offers can no longer bug you. You will never have to fight for your way again, because dear heart, you will grow old and dusty up there on that lonely shelf. You will be forgotten.  You will no longer hurt me. You will no longer break, for you will no longer feel. It might be tough at first but you will grow use to it after a while. Dear heart, please know that I am not putting you on the shelf for anything you have done to me, no, rather my precious heart I am putting you there to protect you, so we will no longer hurt through life. I will remain focused on the important things in my life, school that will eventually lead to work. Therefore, heart, I put it bluntly… I think it is best if we part ways now, and never look back. I hope you will not sit on that shelf everyday and night and think about the ‘what if ‘s’ and the ‘if it could have been’. For heart, we both know that we are better off with out each other.  I’m sorry, but this is for the best. I hope…

My Sun

So many faces everywhere, yet nobody seems to really care,

You saw me, as I ran from you,

But running has never been so good for me.

You see somehow I ran right into your arms.

That space which is so safe and warm

I’m not sure why, but you always take me back.

Funny how that is.

I fell for you once, and than twice, and now I do it almost daily.

The thought of losing you is so great, tears flow to my eyes.

You see, you have become my sun, with you I grow and bloom

Without you I wither and lose my way.

People always say that I could find another like you,

But when they say that I know that they don’t know you.